new perspective?

soo... i posted something on facebook yesterday because i was slightly frustrated/upset because joshua left yesterday morning for georgia. he summitted springer this morning and sent me a text with the picture of the AT trail plaque attached. it's not about him; it's about my jealousy/envy. i wish it were me, out there on the trail with my pack on and my dog with me, setting up camp right about now so spend my first of many nights in the woods. 

i updated my facebook status yesterday to read: "dear Lord, i know your timing for everything is perfect and all, and maybe the reason i haven't sold my truck yet is because maybe if i started the AT right now, i would cross paths with a serial killer, but can't i just sell my truck asap & if i meet a psycho on the trail, you could just give me temporary +50 strength & agility?" and my friend jessica posted a comment that read: "I hope the reason you are having to wait is because there is something super special in store for you rather than a serial killer :)." her comment hit me like a ton of bricks. i generally consider myself to be an optimist, but her comment really made me say, "whoa. maybe she's right. maybe there's actually a good reason i haven't sold my truck and hit the trail just yet." maybe i should just learn to let God deal with everything and trust in His timing. it's so hard, though, because i know what *i* want. but maybe there's something good waiting in store for me and He's postponing me selling my truck because... well. i don't know why. i've never prayed for patience. i do believe everything happens for a reason, but ever since i moved to charleston, i guess i've become a tad bit on the pessimistic side. as i stand right now, other than meeting the people that i've met, i can't see any good that's come out of me getting the job that i moved down here for. but i've beat that dead horse; no use ranting about it now, other than to say that i still don't know why i am where i am in life right now, so it's a little hard to understand why i haven't sold my truck. if any of that even makes any sense. 

there's a saying, "let go and let God." my desire to get out of charleston and out of society is so intense right now, it's seriously like a physical... not ache or pain or hurt. i guess "condition" is maybe the word i'm looking for? but it's a real, physical thing in my chest. it's so hard to let everything go and trust in Him when i'm so focused on where i'd really like to be right now. i watched a few youtube videos of AT thru hikers yesterday and it brought tears to my eyes. maybe that makes me a pansy. 

i'd really just like to sell my truck. i'm gonna have to sell it regardless; i can't support it on a starbucks salary. i can't afford it anyways, and i don't know what i'm going to do if i haven't sold it come april first, 'cause that's about when i told kelly i'd be out of her house. i just know that being on the trail will be relatively (mentally) stress-free because i'll be out in the woods with nature and God and my dog and i'll have nothing to bother me. and it stresses me out even more that the truck is the last big obstacle standing between me and being stress-free. 

geez. this entry sounds like i should have been lying on a couch with a guy and his notepad sitting behind a desk. =P