i just can't... lose?

so i showed the truck to a guy yesterday. he really liked it. he just called me back. he's passing on it. 

on one hand, the phrase "i just can't win for losin'" comes to mind. but on the other hand, i think to myself, "your day will come." 

i've figured out that i'll probably wind up getting a canister stove for my hike. the pocket rocket seems like a decent deal, but i was reading an article on whiteblaze yesterday/today that said coleman actually makes a pretty good canister stove that's a little more stable for the same price. 

i even washed my truck before i showed it to the guy yesterday. sigh. at least he let me know for sure, and didn't leave me hanging. that's the worst. 

3 outta 3

i just ordered my sleeping bag. :) i bought the campmor +20 down bag in the long length because it was on sale for $10 cheaper than the regular length, and i read that the regular length was only good if you're 5'6" and not a centimeter taller. i figure since i'm 5'6", i'll give myself some extra room for the next day's clothes at the bottom of my bag. so now i've got my big three... my bag, my pack, and my shelter. for some reason, i guess i feel like the more i buy, the closer i'll be to leaving when i want to.

i'm still pretty apprehensive and antsy about getting on the trail, but i'm trying to look at things the way my friend jessica put them the other day. i'm trying to trust in the fact that i'll get on the trail when God wants me on the trail and that He has good things in store for me.

there's a full moon out tonight. i sure wish i was cowboy campin' underneath it somewhere in georgia. 

thus far, i've spent $72 on my pack, $225 on my tent, and now $110 on my bag. $407ish. technically, i overspent $20 on the tent because i bought the footprint separately and it came with a footprint, so when i take my stuff back to jackson, i'll stop and exchange it for $20 in some sort of gear at the rei store in atlanta.  so $387 for gear so far. not too bad, right?

my ad starts in the paper for my truck tomorrow. hopefully, this weekend will be a successful turnout for the selling of my truck. fingers crossed and praying, praying. 

to organize my mind, just a brief list of things that i'll need to take care of/get before i head out: 

build and test an alcohol coke can stove

get swayze to the vet to update her bordatella

register her microchip

buy her pack

get a set of trekking poles

get a sleeping pad

figure out her gsmnp boarding situation

figure out how much food she'll eat each day

figure out my layering situation
make an eye doctor appointment and order more contacts

call the student loan people!! tomorrow!! (i've forgotten about this one)

new perspective?

soo... i posted something on facebook yesterday because i was slightly frustrated/upset because joshua left yesterday morning for georgia. he summitted springer this morning and sent me a text with the picture of the AT trail plaque attached. it's not about him; it's about my jealousy/envy. i wish it were me, out there on the trail with my pack on and my dog with me, setting up camp right about now so spend my first of many nights in the woods. 

i updated my facebook status yesterday to read: "dear Lord, i know your timing for everything is perfect and all, and maybe the reason i haven't sold my truck yet is because maybe if i started the AT right now, i would cross paths with a serial killer, but can't i just sell my truck asap & if i meet a psycho on the trail, you could just give me temporary +50 strength & agility?" and my friend jessica posted a comment that read: "I hope the reason you are having to wait is because there is something super special in store for you rather than a serial killer :)." her comment hit me like a ton of bricks. i generally consider myself to be an optimist, but her comment really made me say, "whoa. maybe she's right. maybe there's actually a good reason i haven't sold my truck and hit the trail just yet." maybe i should just learn to let God deal with everything and trust in His timing. it's so hard, though, because i know what *i* want. but maybe there's something good waiting in store for me and He's postponing me selling my truck because... well. i don't know why. i've never prayed for patience. i do believe everything happens for a reason, but ever since i moved to charleston, i guess i've become a tad bit on the pessimistic side. as i stand right now, other than meeting the people that i've met, i can't see any good that's come out of me getting the job that i moved down here for. but i've beat that dead horse; no use ranting about it now, other than to say that i still don't know why i am where i am in life right now, so it's a little hard to understand why i haven't sold my truck. if any of that even makes any sense. 

there's a saying, "let go and let God." my desire to get out of charleston and out of society is so intense right now, it's seriously like a physical... not ache or pain or hurt. i guess "condition" is maybe the word i'm looking for? but it's a real, physical thing in my chest. it's so hard to let everything go and trust in Him when i'm so focused on where i'd really like to be right now. i watched a few youtube videos of AT thru hikers yesterday and it brought tears to my eyes. maybe that makes me a pansy. 

i'd really just like to sell my truck. i'm gonna have to sell it regardless; i can't support it on a starbucks salary. i can't afford it anyways, and i don't know what i'm going to do if i haven't sold it come april first, 'cause that's about when i told kelly i'd be out of her house. i just know that being on the trail will be relatively (mentally) stress-free because i'll be out in the woods with nature and God and my dog and i'll have nothing to bother me. and it stresses me out even more that the truck is the last big obstacle standing between me and being stress-free. 

geez. this entry sounds like i should have been lying on a couch with a guy and his notepad sitting behind a desk. =P

anybody wanna buy a truck? =)

oh my dear lordt. i went to bristol wednesday night and came back last night and had an absolute amazing time. i stayed with my friend joshua and had lunch with awesome friends at awesome places that i really miss dining at. i dropped jolie off with nick. =/ it's kind of weird not having a second dog. i let swayze sleep in the bed with me last night. 

joshua left for his thru-hike today. i don't wish i was going with him, necessarily. hyoh kind of thing, ya know? but i'm extremely jealous that my dream isn't as within reach as i thought it was. i have yet to find a buyer for the truck. the last guy even started paperwork at his bank on the truck, but some other truck's paperwork finalized before mine did. le sigh. 

joshua's pack is 33 lbs. i picked it up, and that's extremely heavy! the last big purchase i need to make is a sleeping bag. i'm not sure how much my pack will end up weighing. oh, and i need to buy swayze's stuff, too. like her pack and a blanket/coat for her. 

i got my tent in last friday!! =D it's basically amazing. it's huge and i can set it up in less than five minutes (if i don't stake it out). i'm sure if i counted staking it out and whatnot, it'd be more, but anyways. swayze and i fit in it just fine! 

i wish i were headed to springer right now. i hear the mountains calling, calling. 

i'd really like to sleep in the backyard, please...

so my tent has yet to come in! :( maybe tomorrow will be my lucky day and i'll get to sleep in the backyard tomorrow night. ew... or maybe not. i forget i have to be at work at 530 saturday morning. pfft. i picked up nikole's boyfriend's jeep today. this is so crazy and amazes me so much that this is all really coming together for me. i really thank God for that everyday. it's crazy to me that i'm gonna hike the appalachian trail. with my dog. i'm almost apprehensive/nervous about it... but not so much in the "i can't do this" way, but moreso in the "am i really ready for this? people prepare for this for years and i don't even have my sleeping bag" way. i still don't have adequate clothing or any stuff sacks or a water purification system or a blanket or pack for swayze or... hell... what all else do i need? i don't even know. i'm not even sure what i'm gonna do with my cell phone. i reckon i could just turn it off. so many thoughts all floating through my head... i wish i could catch them and stick them all together and organize them like a pearltree.